The Last Laugh

written by Paul Warnock

All characters & events are fictional, and any resemblanceto anyone living or deceased is coincidental and unintended.

​

This story takes place in Rockingham in the early to mid
1950’s.  The scene opens in the Pee Dee Church.  It was
about two thirty in the afternoon.  The occasion was the
funeral of Caleb McJohnison, which had started a two o’
clock.  Caleb looked great in his casket.  In his early sixties,
he was a little bit young to die even back in these times.  
Everyone remarked that he was stately and dignified as he
lay there.  The morticians had done such a great job on this
man, such good color in the face.  Some people liked to call
him “K,” but he did not like that since it didn’t sound
masculine enough to him.


Caleb was well liked by everyone in the entire town and the
entire county for that matter.  He was the “town clown” so
to speak.  That is, he acted as if it was his mission in life to
make everyone laugh.  Everywhere he went, he was always
telling jokes.  He particularly liked “knock-knock” jokes.  
His favorite one was:  “Knock-knock.”  “Who’s there?”  
Caleb would answer “Arthur.”  Arthur who?  Caleb would
then answer: “Arthritis.”  Now most of the people in
Rockingham had heard this joke at least a hundred times
before.  However, Caleb would start laughing big time.  The
people were not laughing at his stale jokes; they were
laughing at him.  People liked to be around him because he
made them laugh.  Caleb didn’t care if they were laughing
at his jokes or not, he was happy that he made everyone
laugh.  His children were a little embarrassed by their
father.  His youngest daughter would always say “Oh,
Daddy.”  His wife and children didn’t laugh at his jokes
much, but they still loved him, as he was such a fine
Christian man.


Caleb had worked as a handy man doing fix-up jobs for
people around their house.  He was popular not only for
his laughter; he did very fine work.  He could fix or repair
almost anything around the house, and his prices were
very reasonable.  However, Caleb had hurt both his wrists
in a fall to the extent he could no longer do this type of
work.  He was then able to land a job at one of the
downtown hardware stores.  There were two or three such
stores in Rockingham back then.  This was long before the
days of Home Depot and Lowe’s.  At first, the owner was
irritated at Caleb for all his carrying-on and trying to be
funny.  But, when the owner realized Caleb’s sales were
much higher than any of the other salesmen, he then
encouraged Caleb in his antics.  People would come in just
to see Caleb.  Usually, before they left, they would buy a
little something whether they needed it or not.  You could
always use a few more nails or screws around the house.  
Some people would come in just to see Caleb since he
made them feel good about themselves.   


One of Caleb’s jokes went something like this:


There was this young gentleman who went to a dance.  He
was a lanky fellow who thought of himself as a good dancer,
but actually, he was a little bit clumsy.  His plan was to
dance with all the women in attendance.  He danced with
the first young lady and at the conclusion said: “Thanks for
the dance madam, you smell like a rose.”  She responded:
“Thank you sir, my name is Rose.”  Then he danced with
the next lady and at the conclusion said: “Thanks for the
dance madam, you smell like a lily.”  She responded:  
“Thank you sir, my name is Lillie.”  Then he danced with
the next lady and at the conclusion said:  “Thanks for the
dance madam, you smell like a violet.”  She responded:
“Thank you sir, my name is Violet.”  Then later at the very
last dance of the night, he was dancing with this young
lady, but he couldn’t for the life of himself figure out what
she smelled like.  So, finally, when the dance was over, he
thanked her for the dance.  As she was departing, he asked
her: “Madam, could you tell me your name?”  She
responded:  “Certainly sir, my name is Fannie.”


This was about as far as Caleb would go with his jokes.  All
his jokes were so clean that you could tell them with
children present.


The reason Caleb had fallen was due to the increasing
symptoms of a disease he had.  He had something between
epilepsy and narcolepsy.  Doctors didn’t know much about
these diseases back in those days.  People with epilepsy
would have seizures in public, which could be quite
embarrassing.  Both the patients and their family were
ashamed of this disease.  Today, there are medicines that
can, for the most part, control the seizures.  About two
thousand years ago, the famous Roman Emperor Julius
Caesar was thought to have epilepsy.  Imagine how
embarrassed he would have been had he had a seizure in
front of his troops or in the Roman Senate.  Caleb’s
symptoms were more toward narcolepsy.  He would pass
out into a deep sleep, which could last, from several hours
to several days.  About thirty minutes before he would
recover from one of his sleep seizures, he would be
conscience but was unable to move or even open his eyes.  
However, he was conscience of his surroundings.  Only
Caleb’s regular doctor knew about Caleb’s disorder.  He
was able to hide it from his friends and family.  But, this
was getting increasingly more difficult to do as the disease
progressed.


Back in these days, the dread disease was diabetes, much
as cancer is today.  They knew that insulin control was the
culprit, but they had not been able to manufacture
artificial insulin or to extract any from donors.  Then one of
the big drug companies announced that they had isolated
and now were able to produce insulin in mass quantities.  
All they needed was FDA approval, which was expected
very soon.  The medical profession had called a huge
convention in Chicago to bring the medical doctors up to
date on the new drug.  They wanted to be able to use it very
quickly as soon as approval was announced.  Many of the
medical doctors in Rockingham were at this convention
including Caleb’s personal physician.  They left a skeleton
crew behind to handle emergencies, but it was difficult to
see an MD in Rockingham that week unless you went to the
emergency room at the hospital, and even then, it wasn’t
easy.  They were so short staffed that they called in many
retired physicians.  Even specialists like a dermatologist
were pressed into service as a general MD.


Caleb picked a bad time to have one of his sleep seizures.  
He was at a local grocery store, and he just passed out and
fell to the floor.  They called the ambulance, which back in
those days was run by the funeral homes.  The driver only
had a little training in first aid, a far cry from today’s
paramedics with a communication line to a doctor at the
local hospital emergency room.  The ambulance driver
thought Caleb was dead; but he rushed him to the
emergency room at the hospital anyhow.  The hospital
room was extremely busy with a severe shortage of
doctors.  The triage nurse asked old Dr. Browningship to
examine Caleb.  Now Dr. Browningship was at least ninety
years old.  He was hard of hearing; plus he had poor
eyesight.  He hadn’t practiced medical much in the last
fifteen years although he was still licensed.  The ambulance
driver said that he thought this man was dead.  He sure
looked dead.  Dr. Browningship did listen for a heartbeat
with his stethoscope; but would have been hard pressed to
hear the heartbeat of a normal person never mind the
weak heartbeat of Caleb McJohnison.  Then the triage
nurse asked Dr. Browningship to come help with a difficult
birth, so it didn’t take much to convince him to pronounce
Caleb dead.  As he left, he was heard to say: “Don’t need a
stethoscope to see that this man is dead.”


There were two large established funeral homes in
Rockingham back in these days.  Also, there were at least
one that was in the start up mode.  When you are just
starting a business, you are faced with a lot of fixed
expense.  You need to get a lot of business in order to
spread the fixed cost.  Until you get this minimum amount
of business, these fixed expenses will eat up any profits you
hoped to make.  So what do you do?  You find ways to cut
cost.  I remember seeing at least two movies where
unscrupulous undertakers would wait at the graveyard
until everyone else had left.  When they were alone, they
would unkindly dump the corpse into the grave and take
the coffin back for recycling.  This could help a struggling
business.  Another way to save on expenses would be to
not embalm the deceased.  This wouldn’t work during hot
weather, as the corpse would start to smell within the
three days before burial.  But, you might get by with it if
the weather cooperates with you.  The body would need to
be stored in a refrigerated room or cubical when not being
displayed for public viewing.


Now let’s get back to the funeral.  Caleb had many friends
and acquaintances who had appreciated his ability to make
them laugh.  The church was completely full including
many standing.  They still had a large crowd outside; and
someone had managed to set up a loud speaker for those
not fortunate enough to be seated in the church.


Caleb was starting to recover from his seizure.  He could
hear the preacher talking about him.  All he could do was
to lie there, but he could hear every word that was spoken.  
Caleb was thinking to himself: “Am I lucky or what?  I’m
getting to attend my own funeral while I’m still alive.  
Wasn’t it the writer Samuel Clemmons (Mark Twain) who
always said he wanted to attend his own funeral?  Those
sure are nice things they are saying about me.”


Then Caleb was beginning to completely recover from his
sleep seizure.  He used his hand to prop himself up in his
coffin.  Then he said to the astonished audience:  “I sure do
appreciate all you nice people coming to my funeral.”  
Some in the audience screeched in astonishment, while
children cried and ran to their mothers.  What do you think
you would do in this situation?  I  probably would have had
a heart attack and died on the spot.  Then Caleb continued:
“I certainly appreciate all the nice things that the preacher
and others said about me.”  Then he started laughing so
hard that everyone in the church joined in with him.  They
all laughed for at least twenty minutes.  In the meantime,
Caleb’s family had gathered about him to welcome him
back to the world of the living.  They were so glad to have
their father and husband back.   


Then someone helped Caleb from his casket, and he sat
down on a front pew.  Everyone was asking him all sorts of
questions.  There was a lady reporter from The Richmond
County Journal in attendance.  She was asking him what
had happened, and he explained narcolepsy to her.  She
asked her assistant to call into the paper office to have
them hold the press so this story could still make the
afternoon edition.  The next day, Caleb went to see his
regular doctor who had read the write-up in the Journal.  
They still didn’t have a good treatment for this disorder for
many years after this.  Caleb went back to work at the
hardware store.  This time everyone knew about his
problem, but no one seemed to care.  He was just as
popular as ever.


No one ever questioned old Dr. Browningship.  His age and
retired status most likely had something to do with that.  
The funeral home took their casket back, but never sent
Caleb or his family a bill for their services.  Very soon
thereafter, they ceased business operations (at least in
Rockingham).