For those of you that remember my mother, you know that not only was she an educator personified, but she was also a real character. A former band director and friend of mine that I worked with for years here in Williamston once told me that I was the “King Of One-Liners”. My response to him has always been that I got it honest. I would tell him that if he thought I was good, he should have met my Mother, who was without a doubt the original “Queen Of One-Liners”. I was recalling some of these catchy phrases with my wife the other night and thought some of you might like to hear them. Here are some of those famous “Theo Smith’s One-Liners” that I remember best, and one that became a lesson for life. (I love and miss you, Mama. Thanks for all you gave to myself, Anne, and all your former students. As Bob McDonald stated, “She was indeed one of a kind”.)

“You ain’t supposed to say ain’t, because it ain’t right, and ain’t ain’t in the dictionary.” Mama lived long enough for me to be able to tell her that it must be OK to say ain’t, because ain’t was now officially in the dictionary.

“I used to be conceited, but conceit is a sin, sin’s a fault, and I ain’t (see above) got none.” You have to appreciate the fact that Mom was an English teacher and would never speak this way except when cutting up.

“I used to be conceited, but now I’m convinced.”

When asked, Theo, what do you think about that evil dance “The Twist” the following was always her response: “Hey, when the music makes a boy and a girl stand twelve feet apart and shake, that don’t bother me. It’s the slow dancing you got to watch for, ‘cause the music makes ‘em wanna get close and rub up next to each other, and that’ll make them want to touch each other.”

She would enter the band bus before each football game or trip to parades and proclaim: “All right, ya’ll. There’ll be no ‘frat-nizing (fraternization). If ya do the boys are gonna sit on one side and the girls on the other.”

“Mayo Capel is the only kid I’ve ever had in band that would consistently march out of and in between step at the same time. It’s hard to explain. It was never, ever the normal left, right, left, right. He would start on his right foot instead of his left one and on top of that his foot would always hit the ground on the ah of the left foot, and the ah of the right foot. It was like ah-right, ah-left, ah-right, ah-left with the left and right foot always on the ah……… Oh damn, you know what I mean.

“Coach Mulley can eat fried chicken and clean it to the bone, with a knife and fork, never touching it with his hands or fingers and that was ‘cause he majored in biology in college and was real good at dissecting frogs.

One year at a Lion’s Fall Festival, there was a magician that performed on stage inside the ballpark. He hypnotized Wesley Bradshaw. He asked Wesley’s mother to tell him something that Wesley couldn’t do. Wesley was in the band when Mom was director. The magician told Wesley sing “The National Anthem”. He did - in perfect pitch. That may not sound like anything special, but it was. You see, Wesley couldn’t sing at all - P-E-R-I-O-D! Wesley’s mother even kept him up the whole night trying to get him to sing again. It didn’t work, and Wesley couldn’t sing anymore. Thus, the origin of the next Theo Smith one-liner. When she was teaching choir, if she ran across some who could not sing on pitch, she would simply say: “Don’t worry! If you can’t sing on in tune, don’t let it bother you. All you gotta do is get hypnotized. If it worked for Wesley Bradshaw, it’ll work for you!” (Most students didn’t even know who Wesley Bradshaw was).

“If I hadda’ knowed grand-kids (Ken’s son) waz gonna be this much fun, I’d ‘a had ‘em first.”

Teachers were allowed to smoke in the “Teachers Lounge” at school. Everyday that Mama went to the Teacher’s Lounge she would always walk in, light up a cigarette, and ask: “Did Ken do all his homework? Did he fail anything so far today?, Is he in trouble for anything so far? And finally, Has he had an accident so far today?”. She would then proceed to finish her cigarette (or two) and drink a cup of coffee. Hopefully, she didn’t come get me for anything during lunch; however, it was really bad my senior year when I had Miss Crosland.

“If you don’t quit that, I’m gonna hit you so hard that your head will hum like a ten-penny finishing nail hit with a greasy ball-peen hammer.”

“If you don’t quit that, I’m gonna hit you so hard that your head’s gonna turn around so fast that it’s not gonna stop until it hits your belt buckle.”

You could still punish students when she was principal and taught at Roberdel Elementery School. I can remember her telling several students that she planned to whip for misbehaving the following. (Back then if you got a spanking at school, you got one that was a whole lot worse when you got home. I know I did): “Go out to the woods and break off a switch, and don’t bring back a limb or I’m gonna use it.”

When Mama was questioned about her smoking, she used to say, the following: not just a habit. I love ‘em. If I could, I’d light ‘em on both ends and smoke ‘em in the middle, but they don’t make Bel-Airs with a filter in the middle.”

“Smoking is not just a habit. I really enjoy smoking cigarettes. In fact, I would smoke in the shower if I could figure a way to keep them from going out.” When she had her first heart attack, the doctor told her that she was going to have to quit smoking cigarettes. The doctor found out she was still smoking and told her that he thought he had told her not to smoke anymore. She responds: “No, you said not to smoke cigarettes and I’m not. I’m only smoking those little cigars and they have a wooden instead of a paper filter on it (Tiparilos), and after all ‘A gentleman can offer a lady a Tiparilo.”

“You are so hard-headed that if you had a free ticket to heaven, you would want to stop by hell on your way to see what the temperature was.”

“Boy, you’re gonna be grounded so long that the day you get married, you’re gonna have to come home after the wedding because you will not be allowed to go on you honeymoon because you’re still grounded.”

There are many more, but I must stop. I’ll share with you finally a couple of her one-liners that I have used with the students I have taught in band, choir, and youth groups over the years. They have proved to be lifetime words of wisdom that have touch the lives of far more young people than she’ll ever knew.

For all those who knew or had Mama as a teacher, you readily knew what a tough disciplinarian she was. When she was ever questioned about why she was so hard on her students, she would always respond by stating:
“Pride and discipline are the two most important ingredients in the makeup of a good student’s will. You must have both for without discipline, there is no pride, and without pride there can be no discipline. I have never met a student that did not want to be disciplined. They don’t just expect it, they demand it.”

When she taught band or anything team oriented, she would tell the group: “There is no one here better than anyone else. This is a team. We are one unit. If we win or do good we do so as one. If we loose or have setbacks, the same is true. If one hurts, we all hurt.”

Because Mother was a teacher, many of her students would often times garner her with flowers and mostly it was roses as they were her favorite. I remember her many times telling an individual student or group my favorite of all one liners. It has always touched me in a very special way. She would say: “Please don’t waste your hard-earned money on a lot of flowers for me. One red rose will do. It signifies that we are one.”
I don’t ever remember seeing her throw one away that was given to her. When Mother died, most of her pall bearers were former students and teachers. I shall never forget that though there were many flowers at her funeral, someone had placed one red rose on her coffin. To this day I have no idea who put it there, but I bet it was a group, not just one. I have that rose to this day. I will not ever throw it away. When I began to teach, I would always begin band camps and mission trips with Mother’s story of “One Red Rose”. When my band and choral students finished a band camp or mission trip, I would give them each one red rose. When I retired from helping teach high school band and the last church youth group I had, each group honored me by giving me one red rose. Maybe, when I die, someone will place one red rose on my coffin, because we were all one.

I always thought my Mama was really hard on myself and my sister, Anne, but when I began to coach baseball, teach band, choir, church youth and have children of my own, I learned very quickly that this was not just one of Mama’s little catchy phrases. It was in fact a life’s lesson that I made my own. I am very proud to say that I am the man that I am, and my sister will tell you that she is the woman she is today because of the pride and discipline instilled in us by our dear Mother, and I can truthfully say that I never knew any of my Mama’s students that did not have a sense of pride and discipline about them because of their having known her.